my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize