Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
