you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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