I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
