No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
