Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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