2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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