Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
