Will you blow on my dice?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize