:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize