I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
