Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
