Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
