That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize