I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
