shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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