yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize