Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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