I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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