sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
