My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
