I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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