i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
