Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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