We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Rumble strips road head = magical
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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