Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
