i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
