There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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