he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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