im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
