Im at strip club and am horny
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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