That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
