I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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