Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize