This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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