my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
