Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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