cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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