??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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