Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize