so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
