My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
