you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
