bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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