"it" just moved
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are the jesus of drinking
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
