he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize