Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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