Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
