my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
