She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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