I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
As shirtless as possible
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
