Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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