I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
