areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
