i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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