we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My pussy is not your playground.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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