none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
