I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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