oh god the rape fog is back!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
