Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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