At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
