he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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