Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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