Where did you get a picture of my penis
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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