nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
