so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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