On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize