I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
