I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
