I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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