i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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