Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
