she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
