she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize