my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize