she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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